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Do not be alone with the disease

August 15, 2019

When shock passes, despair and fear come. And at this time it is very important to feel someone's support. But how to reassure, what words to choose for this?

 

What can and should not be told to a person diagnosed with cancer, how to facilitate the dialogue between cancer patients and their relatives and friends - we will talk about this and much more with Iya Slabinskaya, a psychologist at the Israeli Oncological Hospital LISOD.

 

Iya Eduardovna, how to help the patient correctly perceive the diagnosis? 

I think that there is not a single person who would calmly meet with this news. And that is understandable. In our society, the diagnosis of “cancer” is often perceived as a sentence. The fear for their future and the future of loved ones is added by the fear of not financially pulling treatment: how will I be treated, where will I get the money? In the first few days after the diagnosis is announced, any person, even a very strong spirit, can be in a depressed state. At this moment, it is very important that there be someone close to you who would not allow us to close ourselves and focus on this news, help to survive it together and motivate us to find solutions to unexpected problems.

 

- Patients often ask whether it is worth telling other people about their diagnosis, and if so, to whom?

 

- At first glance, the question is not complicated.Of course, we always advise that a person who is diagnosed with an oncological diagnosis should not be left alone with it. It is very good when relatives, friends and buddies learn about it, who can provide support, financial assistance and just be there. At the same time, you need to be prepared for the fact that there are people who will give awkward advice regarding treatment, or invent your own version of the cause of oncology, which can be frankly ridiculous and traumatic for the patient.Therefore, the circle of people who need to know about the disease, the person must determine for himself, while this circle can always be expanded depending on personal needs, patient resources and stages of treatment. It also happens that a person does not want to tell someone close to her, for example, an elderly mother with a heart condition, worrying that this news will be a strong blow for her and worsen her well-being. Talking or not talking about the diagnosis to others is the right and choice of the patient. But it is important to remember that there are always places where you can get support, advice and attention to your problems. It can be a work with a psychologist and participation in the life of patient communities, which are now quite a lot, closed and open, nationwide or geographically divided. This includes participation in the work of support groups, in special events for those who are undergoing treatment. These are places where you can openly share your feelings and joys, get advice and support, meet other patients and understand that you are not alone on this path.

 

- When a person was diagnosed with cancer, close people have a lot of feelings and questions: what and how to help? What to focus on first? How to cope on your own and become a support to a loved one? Do I need to do anything at all and, if necessary, how?

 

Relatives can also experience fear and shock when they learn about the diagnosis. And this is understandable. It is good if there is a person in the environment who thinks coldly and rationally and can activate the patient. In any case, family, friends or relatives should be helped to collect maximum reliable information for him about the diagnosis and treatment of the disease, to help organize consultations with several specialists. Both the patient and his environment may have a great fear of the uncertainty of the future. But believe my experience - as soon as the real "road map" of treatment appears, this fear begins to decline and the person gradually adapts to new circumstances in his life.

 

- What can’t and what can be said to a sick person?

 

It is important for the patient that he is listened to and his rueful feelings are understood. The first conversation about the disease can always be very difficult. In such cases, a set of common phrases, which often sound in such situations, usually revolves in the head.

For example, "Hold on." A person who has just been diagnosed with cancer has a sense of acute hopelessness and great fear. And they say to him - "hold on." What to hold on to? Now let's compare the two messages in this situation: the first is just the usual “hold on”, and the second is “here is my hand (shoulder). Hold on." Do you feel the difference?

 

Or "Everything will be fine." This is perhaps one of the most hated messages for patients.Because it sounds like an unwillingness to understand the complexity of the situation in which the patient finds himself. Surely something will be fine, but something will not. No empty promises about what no one can know are needed. Significantly more honest if the patient is told: “It will be difficult. Or - it will not be easy. But together we will go this way. I'll be with you."

 

It is necessary to show the person that you understand his fear of treatment, illness and even fear of death and empathize with him.

 

Do not limit yourself to the words: “Call me if you need anything.” Offer the help you can provide.

 

It may be psychological support. Just being around. Give a feeling that the person was not left alone with his illness. One patient said that when she underwent a series of diagnostic examinations before treatment, her friend was standing outside the office doors. And this accompaniment significantly gave her strength and encouragement. It can be a help in everyday life. In simple household chores (cleaning and cooking), shopping, organizing transportation (take to the hospital, pick up from the hospital). Or pick up children from kindergarten or school, sit with them on those days when their mother will be busy with treatment. It can be organizational help. For example, in raising funds for treatment, organizing special charity events, creating help pages on social networks.

 

What else is important? Do not allow excessive care of the patient so that he does not feel completely helpless and unnecessary. And if a person refuses help, do not impose it. Try again in time to offer help again. Perhaps in the future the need for it will arise.

 

It is also important to maintain the patient's social role. It should remain the same as before the illness. If he has a desire, and his health and working conditions allow, then you should not discourage him from being able to work during treatment. Together, you can consider a variety of options for continuing active work, for example, a shorter work schedule, part-time, remote work. An interesting work or an exciting hobby is what will allow the patient to switch from illness to other areas of life and be distracted from the various negative thoughts that are possible during treatment. Very often, it is work during treatment that is the best antidepressant and an incentive to recover faster. Connect the patient, as before, to solving family problems and tasks, consult with him. He should not feel that he has remained “overboard” in active life.

 

And when should you turn to psychologists for help? Is it only necessary for the patient or his relatives as well?

 

Very often, patients do not want to talk about their experiences with relatives so as not to injure them once again, or when they are not sure that they will be understood and advised to do something sensible. It happens differently when relatives for one reason or another try not to ask unnecessary questions. A vacuum is created around the patient, in which he begins to feel even worse, as he remains face to face with his problems.

 

As for relatives, they often experience a whole range of fears - uncertainty, loss, guilt. And they try to hide these feelings from the patient, which, of course, they often fail. And in this way they can injure the patient even more. The help of professional psychologists will make it possible to break this vicious circle. Do not accumulate feelings, then to explode. The help of a psychologist can be useful at absolutely any stage of treatment. The very possibility of speaking out in a safe environment can be very therapeutic. Not to mention the fact that the psychologist can teach methods and techniques for coping with stress, which can be very useful for both the patient and his relatives.

 

- Among the emotions of the patient, fear often comes first - fear to say about the diagnosis, fear that it will not work out, not enough money, fear of relapse. Can I learn to manage fears?

 

 

No two fears are alike. There are fears that you can learn to control. And there are those that do not need to be fought. For example, fear of relapse. You need to learn to live with it. And we psychologists will be able to help with this.

 

And in conclusion of our conversation, I would like to emphasize once again the importance of supporting the patient with relatives and friends. Unfortunately, no one is safe from illness and bad news. And life is still unpredictable. But humanity, mutual assistance and mercy can help to survive in the most difficult circumstances. Today, for our loved one, friend, acquaintance. And tomorrow - for ourselves.

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